As we become more open minded (and open in discussion) about sex toys, an increased number of people are looking past the previous stigmas and into new possibilities. Sex toys were usually thought of as “solo play” devices, i.e., masturbatory aids, but an increasing number of couples are discovering the benefits of sex toys with their partners. There are still many out there who haven’t tried it, or even thought of it. This may be because some have never used sex toys before, while those with previous experience may have assume they just don’t need toys with a full time partner or, worse yet, that a sex toy will replace them. Lately, it seems more people who never thought of adding sex toys before are realizing they are not just for “alone time” anymore. They can use them augment an already satisfying sex life or, perhaps, put a bit more zing into one that could use a little… improvement.
I’m assuming since you’re reading this, you are one of those who either haven’t used sex toys before or have never used sex toys with your partner, but would like too. Let’s start with a simple introduction, shall we. Relationship, this is sex toys. Sex toys, this is relationship.
Most introductions start with a face-to-face meeting so you might think I’m going to start this post by going straight to the sex toys. Oh no, my friend, one does not just rush to the sex toys. Consider this more of a letter of introduction before you meet face to face, or body to product as it were. If you’ve never used toys before you need to start simply with communication. I always encourage people to talk about things instead of just leaping forward. I also am a believer in research, so get out there and learn something about the use and benefits of sex toys. Basically, get yourself a little education and start a conversation.
First I’d like to dispel a myth that still persists: Introducing sex toys to a relationship does NOT mean the toy is going to replace you! Your partner is not going to find the toy more “stimulating” or “satisfying” than you, mostly because you’ve got a lot more to offer than a toy. You’re warm, you taste better, you can talk, have hands to touch and lips to kiss. You are the whole package. Sex toys can add something different to coupled sex: a different sensation, texture or angle. Sometimes just adding a vibrating toy takes mutual pleasure up a notch, and from what I recall people don’t naturally vibrate.
The next hurdle is presenting the subject to your partner. As I’ve said, I always recommend conversation before starting anything new, even something as seemingly simple as sex toys. If you both came to an agreement that you’d like to add something new to your sexual routine, then the next step should be easy. This means you are already comfortable with the idea of sex toys in coupled sex. Not everyone has gotten over or even approached this hurdle yet. I’ve read many panicked advice questions on websites where one half of the couple is stunned the other is proposing toys. For many this idea is a bit scary and daunting.
If you’re in this boat try to introduce the idea from an educated point of view. Don’t surprise your unsuspecting partner with a dildo, vibrator or butt plug while in the heat of the moment. They may need time to process so this will not work in your favor. Instead, present a few articles (perhaps this one; wink, wink) that talk about sex toys in a straightforward sex-positive manner. You can also visit a sex toy website and see what the site recommends for couples. There are often whole categories in the drop down menu with a “couples” option. Check out sex toy review sites as they really put toys to the test. You can even find several books out about sex toys too. Find something that you can peruse in a manner that feels safe and comfortable. You might even want to take a trip to your local sex-positive sex shop but choose carefully. Try to find one you are both comfortable in. Brick and mortar sex shops have sales people you can actually talk to. They are usually more than happy to show you products, recommend things and answer your questions no matter how silly you may think they are. Some regions have in-home parties if you’re uncomfortable going to a sex shop.
Next you need to figure out which of these toys you’d both enjoy. Take into consideration what experiences either of you have had with toys in the past. Did either of you own or use any? What did you like? What did you hate? What were you “meh” about?” Also take into consideration that you may not have picked the right toy back then, or even recently. That vibrator (or dildo, or butt plug, or g-spot toy, or cock ring. And yes, I just said cock ring) you didn’t like, or felt “meh” about, may not have been the right size or shape for you. What you really need is the right toy for the job. This may require some experimentation.
Keep track of what you discuss so you remember what you like, don’t like or are curious about. Toys come in all shapes, sizes and functions. Some vibrate, some don’t, some are super realistic, some are abstract, some fit in the palm of our hand, some are large enough to be considered furniture, some require batteries, some don’t, and some even plug into an outlet. Find the items that work for both of you then move up to the ones you’re curious about later. You might find you don’t need the extra help but you also might find they really add more fun to sexy playtime.
Toys can be used a multitude of ways. Used during foreplay to can spice things up or to help a partner that takes a little longer to warm up. Not all of us have the same arousal speed even in the best of situations. Sometimes our brains or our bodies work differently and they take time to get fully going. This also applies to sex after foreplay. A toy can make a deliciously hot moment even hotter or help someone who needs lots of stimuli to get over that orgasmic edge. Toys can add playfulness or up the eroticism.
So don’t be afraid, make that introduction. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
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